assessment

how can a relationship fail?
how can an abstract idea
about two people fail?

isn't it the people
who fail?
what do they fail?

you can fail a test
you can fail to notice
you can fail to act accordingly

but isn't it you who fails?
me who fails
what do we fail?

ourselves - eachother?
our families - our friends?

does one person fail
more than the other?

who failed first?

what is the cost
of failure?

do i get a retake -
for partial credit?

Coming Soon...or Uninspired

Dating is demoralizing.

(I would post this now, but my internet is busy being broken. And the Shop's wireless must be overloaded because I could swear I'm using dial-up to write just this.)

8/07/08

Just as dating has left me feeling rather uninspired lately, I no longer feel like writing this blog. So lets's just leave it at this: dating is demoralizing.

where are you??

i miss you.

happiness

what a complex emotion - although some people don't see it as such. on those two dates i had with D, we saw a movie. the lights dimmed as we sat in the theater waiting for the movie to start. the previews were concluded by that animated little film strip character telling us that the Feature Presentation was next. on both occasions, D commented on how "happy" that "little film-guy" is. (the first time i thought maybe he was just nervous and trying to avoid silence by saying almost anything. the second time he said it i knew i would not be seeing him again.) that anthropomorphous little film strip is not real and does not have the ability to perceive an emotion like happiness. it is an advertising and/or brand tool used by AMC Theaters.

i was driving down the street the other day listening to Animal Collective when i realized that theirs is some of the happiest music i know. it has so much energy and noise. it has a pulse. but it has depth; it's not gratuitous joy. it's a revelry in life - the heartbreak, joy, ordinary and extraordinary in everyday.

so what is happiness?

i believe happiness is the acceptance of life. the realization that bad things happen, that we have to go through tough times before we get to the good times, that happiness is an appreciation for the whole range of emotions one person can feel. we couldn't have love without heartbreak, joy without sadness, life without death. happiness is not the absence of a contrary emotion, but the culmination of all emotions.

You Know How It Is

Move to a new place. New job, new people, new future, new hope.

It all gets so overwhelming sometimes.

Then things happen gradually. Sometimes you find you can laugh at his friends' jokes. Sometimes you find they can laugh at yours. And then the more you try to find people to connect with, the more you succeed. A friend over to make sushi (gets em every time!). A walk in the park. And then two bites on a prospective book club that you organize because darn it nobody else is! Not that you know how to run a book club, but you enjoy teaching and reading, and well, you've gone to college and therefore have perfected the art of BSing.

And then you stop and you think about it and realize that, between waking up every morning next to the love of your life and going to work with people whose company you truly enjoy, between knowing that this giant bowl of sky holds your entire future, horizon to horizon, and the knowledge that no, you're not going to have to repeat your parents' mistakes because you're better equipped than they were, between the stars and the river and the sagebrush, between the love and the friendship and the companionship...

You really are truly happy.

A Desert Road

the electricity is white against
a clear blue sky - it sparkles
in the sun

the bellies of these beasts
ache with emptiness
as our bladders grow

and down in the
scrubland, we see
snow in the distance

we've been on the road
for at least five hours
but we have still more
mountains to climb

there is a tree on this road
with shoes - dozens
of pairs hanging
from barren limbs

it is a memorial to
the seasons and the
sky and earth
to those who are lost
and those who have found

one of those days

i had my first bad dream in the new apartment last night. not a night terror, not like in the old neighborhood. no, in this dream, i was stranded in a black-widow infested basement apartment with craig as my superintendent, and he was showing attention to some girl who was smaller than me, skinnier than me, and had better hair. at one point she had her dinner served up on his stomach and it was at this point that i struggled to surface, pushing imaginary stir-fry off his very real stomach, to no avail. finally he woke up and, after assuring me that he loved me, i fell back to sleep, where i dreamed that he proposed to me with a ring he had bought for monica.

today i'm tired.

he leaves me lopsided hearts on the bathroom mirror

he buys me cupcakes when i'm feeling down. he looks in the morning like a child, stretching in his sleep beneath the sheets. he calls me to make sure i'm doing okay.

discouraged

i don't know where to make friends. work is okay, but there's only one person i've met so far with whom i'd be inclined to really hang out with. church is okay but full of people not in my age range. i just emailed the volunteer lady back today so we'll see how that goes. i just want even one person to hang out with here.

sigh.